I think answering the daily prompts will help me relieve some stress. Maybe someday I’ll even gain some creativity. We can only hope.
I constantly argue with my father that my music is NOT noise. But I guess I have to pretend to concede that opinion if I’m going to explain the noise in my brain. It’s all music.
I’m one of those people who claims that music is my anti-drug or maybe that it’s saved my life. That second part might be a bit of an exaggeration, but it’s helped me not go crazy about the fact that it didn’t save my sister’s life.
There are so many songs that I’m constantly thinking of- and maybe that mashup is how it becomes “noise”, even if separately those songs are all worth defending as not-noise.
Music is such a cliche to be cluttering my brain. What, I’m not going to argue that silence is driving me insane? Or maybe the voices in my head, like everyone else?
Despite my depression, those voices are pretty insignificant compared to the cacophony of other voices that remind me of all the things that sometimes I might be better off forgetting. Should I really hear some crappy rap song and think of my first serious boyfriend? Should I hear Mayday Parade and be shattered over Shauna? Should I hear a country song and think of my current boyfriend and how much he loves me and how happy I make him when he originally believed he’d be unhappy and alone his whole life? Should I hear so many other songs (which happen to be playing on my Pandora, thanks for making a playlist that’s seriously every meaningful song to the point where I can’t think about my english paper or anything meaningful and am just barraged with a slew of feelings about entirely unrelated topics?) and think about Ty, or my wish to be a rock star that’ll never come true, or a memory of something horrible my parents said to me, or something that makes me think about how worthless I’ve believed I am for years on end, or something that other people believe in that I’m confused about, or how there are so many awful things in the world and I just want to be living in a storybook, or how even when I know exactly what I’m feeling, I really have no idea at all?
The worst noise is the dream I had the other morning. It was a distorted version of a song that means a lot to me, as many songs do. Distorted because I was singing it, and that’s a song I really butcher, as opposed to just normally butchering.
Distorted through the tears of dream-me.
The song was “Forever and Always” by Parachute. And it’s led to a lot of noise since that dream/nightmare. All the other songs have faded into the background, even though they usually jumble together to leave me too many things to think about. It’s one song, and it’s the worst noise I’ve ever experienced.